It seems quaint now. But back in the ‘80s or early ‘90s, people met each other in bars, flirted a little, then they either hooked up that night or—even more quaint—exchanged numbers and maybe one person called the other for a date.
Sure, there was usually alcohol involved, but this process involved speaking to each other. If a guy came up to you and asked you to dance or bought you a drink or just came over to talk, you could see to some degree whether you were interested in him. You could at least size him up and gauge his approximate age, size, and again—this is important—his ability to speak.
Two years after I graduated from college, I was working with a guy who owned his own company and worked all the time. He was also socially awkward but had a date almost every night. I finally clued in to how he was meeting so many women: the personal ads. This was not an entirely new concept—people, mostly men, had been placing ads for mates in the personal section of newspapers in the U.S. since the 1700s. The 1985 Madonna/Rosanna Arquette movie, Desperately Seeking Susan, made the concept seem wildly romantic. So, I decided to try it.
I didn’t really have trouble meeting guys. Why? I’m outgoing and I liked bars. But I was stuck. I had a huge crush on a guy I went to college with who had recently told me he saw me as one of the boys. So, to move on, I decided to try it. I bought a personal ad as a gift to myself and a friend who’d had a long dating dry spell. We had piles of fun writing the ad, “Two bohemian bordering on blondes seek a couple of live ones…”
Then we got mail. This was 1987 so we got actual stamped mail with letters, and even though we didn’t ask for any, we also got pictures. Cell phones didn’t exist yet, so we mostly got Polaroids. Use your imagination. Although harmless when compared to the dick pics of today—I still can’t believe guys send these to women so freely. Some of the photos weren’t even offensive. They were just strange. As were the letters.
Most of our audience misconstrued our intent when we said we were two girls looking for a guy. This tapped into many male fantasies of having a threesome with twins when all we wanted was to set up a double date. So, as most of the letters came from a single guy, we each chose one from the batch and went on a date. Even though my friend had a great conversation with her date when they talked on the phone, it all fell apart when they met in person. My friend was almost 5’10” tall and the guy was exceptionally short. Unfortunate, but she just couldn’t get past it.
To be a team player I went on a date with a guy who wasn’t really my type. He was a congressional lobbyist, much more buttoned up than I would normally go for. But he was sweet. At one point, he was having such a good time he ordered a round of drinks for the entire bar.
It was fun but we never went out again. Neither of us called. Not sure why he didn’t. For my part, I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy who considered me one of the boys.
Then we finally got a letter from two guys. It was a witty and clever, so we followed up. I called one of the guys to set up our meeting. He was funny and I guessed he was my date because we were the two who talked first.
My friend and I waited at the restaurant at the appointed time running through all kinds of scenarios. What would we do if they were hideous? We could just pretend we weren’t the girls they were supposed to meet. But no, that wouldn’t work. We were the only ones in the restaurant. It was impossible to miss the two blondes sitting at a table trying to stifle our giggles.
Then one of the guys, Art, a chiropractor, sauntered in, trying to look casual as he looked nonchalantly in our direction. Hilarious! They had an escape plan too.
We passed the test because he immediately went out and returned with his friend, the guy I’d talked to on the phone. I thought we had a good time, but I could tell “my” date was struggling. He didn’t feel well, and we pieced together that Art had put him up to answering the ad to cheer him up after a breakup.
So, we tried. Made for a good story. And that’s as close as I ever came to online dating.
Every one of my single friends —and some of the married ones—have tried online dating, for better or for worse. One friend who met her husband on Match.com has been married for 20 years. My friend Sally, age 87, found a guy online and they’ve been dating for 3 years. Other friends have dated people they met online for weeks or months. Otherwise, the stories range from surprising to flabbergasting all the way to terrible and horrifying. Sure, there are some good outcomes. But every woman I know who uses the dating apps has a story of someone who isn’t who he or she said they were or worse, hitting her up for some sort of scam or fraud.
In her mid-fifties, my friend Abby finally decided to try online dating. Living in New York City during the pandemic made it close to impossible to meet anyone. When restrictions started to lift, she went online to check out the dating pool.
The first few messages weren’t encouraging. She got texts like, “Hi,” or “I like your picture.”
“Seriously?” she asked. “Isn’t this like a job interview? Are you supposed to try to be interesting?”
Then she started “talking” (a.k.a. texting) with a guy who supposedly lived in her neighborhood. She tried to find out exactly where he lived, but he was reluctant to give any details. When they first connected, he said he was out of town—way out of town—working in Yemen. On a secret government project. With high stakes. But he would be in New York soon, and they could meet then.
“If the project is secret, is it O.K. that you’re telling me about it?” Abby asked.
He ghosted her.
The next guy she matched with wanted to go for a walk and look for rocks. “I don’t know, maybe it’s not that weird,” I said, trying to keep an open mind.
She ghosted him.
Women have always had to be careful when going out with people. So, when making dates online my friend Katie would always text a friend to share where and when she was meeting someone and include a copy of the guy’s driver’s license.
She was deeply disappointed when a guy she’d been talking to for a month balked at the driver’s license ask and cut off contact immediately.
I said I was grateful she didn’t meet him. There could be several reasons why he didn’t send the driver’s license. Maybe he’d taken a really bad photo at the DMV, or he was embarrassed he lied about his weight. Or more likely, he was married or a felon and not using his real name when they were texting.
People always say the best way to meet someone is in the real world—think a meet cute at the grocery store or through friends at a dinner party. So put your phone away when you’re out and about and go for it. But if that’s not available, online dating is an option. My friends who’ve been there say, just don’t waste weeks and weeks texting. Meet soon after you first connect and meet in a public place to see if you have chemistry and want to see this person again.
Here's to keeping romance alive.
*This essay was inspired by two episodes on How to Meet People to Date Part 1 on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and How to Meet People to Date Part 2 on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. We’d love for you to listen!